No, he didn't die. In many ways it is worse. I drove him away and he has shunned me, blocked me from his life forever. I didn't do it on purpose but regardless, he is gone. It happened suddenly - well for me it was sudden. I think this has been brewing in him for some time. Let me explain.
He and I went through middle school and high school together. I took vacations with his family and in many ways adopted them as my second family. I found their family lifestyle more traditional and truly more comfortable. We were the best of friends with him teaching me chess and in many ways opening my life to venues I would not have otherwise had. After high school we separated with me initially going to work at US Steel then enlisting in the Air Force. While in the Air Force I married Linda, and he was even a groomsman. I would have made him Best Man except Linda's brother Michael took that role. Once out of the Air Force we re-gained our friendship, and he would come over almost weekly for chess and perhaps lunch or dinner. Then Linda and I and the kids moved to Wisconsin. I travelled extensively in my job, and we drifted apart. We reconnected about 8 years ago but we both had changed and in different ways. It was - no is - in these ways where I lost my friend perhaps forever.
I am a child of the late 60's and early 70's. I marched for women's rights, and I marched for equal rights for people of color (a more contemporary term from then). I classify myself as an Independent, but I will admit I do have some liberal leanings just as I have some conservative ones and I have never been shy about sharing my values with others when asked or in a crowd where it is being discussed. It was this aspect of me that caused me to lose my good friend.
Over time he has become more conservative - in my opinion - very conservative. I would say he is in the MAGA crowd with many of his beliefs and commensurate fears. And while I disagree with some of what he believes - I do not disagree with all of them. Nor do I think less of him for his beliefs / opinions. Unfortunately, that is where the schism started. As I mentioned earlier, I am not shy about expressing my views. I have posted them on Facebook and also in my blog (where I am writing this currently). I wrote a piece on Gun Control and posted it on Facebook, and I never realized how much it upset him until recently. Oh, I knew something I'd had done was bothering him, he alluded to it often but never told me. We were on a 3-way zoom call with a mutual friend when he finally it came out. I didn't back down as I believe in what I wrote and said and while I disagree with his stand I still agree with mine. Our 3rd party seemed to side with me. My friend had also stated that he had a recent issue he wanted to discuss - and maybe it is here that I truly missed the boat. He told us of an issue within his life (details I will not share here) and was asking about some of his character issues and our opinion on him. To be candid, I didn't want to get into it on the zoom call because we had our other mutual friend on, and I would not want to embarrass him (or anyone) in front of another. In retrospect instead of moving off that topic I should have said or asked if I could call him later. I think (and to be sure I am not certain of this) that our ignoring his questions on that issue and my position on gun control was too much and the call ended abruptly.
That might have been OK, but an issue came up - the Republican Presidential debate - and I posted a commentary on Facebook. I contacted my 2 friends who were on the zoom call to give them a 'heads up' so they would not be surprised or offended. I also posted it on my blog - this blog that very very few read.
My friend responded and we had an open discussion until he made some disparaging comments about me in his response. I responded to that by stating I would write him personally as I do not believe in demeaning anyone in public. Our text exchange was heated, and he even included our mutual friend in his tirade, which further upset me, so I lashed out. I should not have done that.
So, he informed me, and I think our mutual friend that he was cutting us out of his life as we were toxic. I think - truly that he meant that for me and not our mutual friend who was simply caught in the crossfire.
I have now seen, firsthand, what I have read about for a while now. That the division between people over political and religious issues is intense and can cause separations. I had always thought that was extreme and that people could always talk despite select differences in specific topics. I was obviously wrong. What saddens me is that I know we agree on more than we disagree. I know I respect this man and his opinion - even if we disagree. But because I was vocal, and honestly will continue to be vocal on issues in which I believe, I have lost a good friend.
It hurts that I may not talk to him again. Oh, I can rationalize that my role in this isn't the issue and that it was his choice to overreact. I could do that and try to assuage my sadness and minimize my culpability in this. But when I look back, I wasn't patient enough to listen to him and try to better present my point of view. Be less confrontational and more compassionate. I should have more thoroughly listened to his concerns and instead of trying to prove my point to have listened more fully to his and then work to establish that I do respect his views and that we just differ on this one topic. But I did not do that. I got defensive about my position and while I did not attack his I did not have empathy toward his concern or fears but instead pounded home the point I was trying to make in my post & blog. I made it about me and not him and as a result I lost my friend.
It hurts. I must learn from this, so I lose no others.
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