I Have Leukemia - So Now What?

 Answer I'm not sure.

I was recently diagnosed with leukemia and as of this post don't know precisely what type of leukemia it is and what measures will be suggested for my care and hopeful remission.

Regardless of what type of therapy is chosen, chemotherapy or non-chemotherapy, neither holds promise of a good outcome.  Oh, I don't mean imminent death - although the odds are not in my favor.  I mean in quality of life.  Chemotherapy has terrible side effects of which I am well aware after my battle with prostate cancer.  Medicinal therapy has equally terrifying side-effects from significant heart issues to liver damage and kidney failure.  Both bring on increased fatigue.

To put it mildly - I am scared.  I wasn't this scared with prostate cancer or the radiation and chemo I endured previously.  But this time it is different.  Perhaps, because I have gone down this road before and know how rough the path is, or perhaps it is because the survival rate is not as good as the previous cancer.  

NO - leaving this wonderful life is what I fear.  And this life - My Life - has been wonderful.  First and foremost, I have a wonderful wife whom I could have never hoped to be so fortunate to marry and love me and certainly and not deserving of her and all she has given me.  It will sound cliche' but she is the reason my life turned out as beautiful as it is.  The joy, compassion, love, support and courage Linda has is beyond what people truly know of her.  She is indeed the most genuinely good person I know, and I love her with all my heart.

Being blessed with her was only the start.  I have a wonderful and remarkable family.  Children who, if they were not my children, I would be honored to call my friends.  Then there are my grandchildren who are so individually remarkable as to constantly place me in awe.

After family, there are all the things I have seen and done.  I have led a life that has been complicated, and at times troubled, but also so full of opportunity and wonder. 

• I have stood atop and on the edge of the tallest tower in North America (as of this writing).
• I have flown in a biplane.
• I have sky dived.
• I have been hot air ballooning.
• I flew a plane from take-off to landing.
• I've traveled to Ireland, Scotland, Germany, France, Italy, Austria, Canada (multiple provinces), Mexico, Guatemala and seen the glaciers of Greenland.
• Took a train through the Alps and saw the majestic mountains in full moonlight
• I have traveled and toured 49 of the 50 states - only Alaska yet eludes me.
• I have sailed a Galway hooker over 25 miles from Galway Bay at night in the Atlantic and having learned to use a sextant was able to get me and the crew back to shore.
• I've run 5 manufacturing plants - all successfully.
• I've done photography and my own film development.
• Took Kendo and was awesome within my age group.
• I experienced racism firsthand - having a cross burned in my yard.
• Been involved in a murder trial.
• I've seen numerous concerts with some of the biggest names in Rock. U2, McCartney, Black Sabbath, Elton John, Billy Joel, David Bowie and so many others.
• Enjoyed a New York play on Broadway.
• I have mentored young people as I was fortunate to have been mentored.
• Written 2 short stories and working on my third.
• I have seen and been a part of an atomic test. 
• Flown in a B-52 bomber.
• Seen up close the stealth bomber when it was still top secret.
  
• Watched rocket launches from Vandenburg AFB.
• I have had so many opportunities and things I have seen from the Eiffel tower to a champagne lunch in the depths of the Grand Canyon.

And there is much yet to do:

• Kenya in this September - a photo safari with Linda to celebrate our 50th anniversary.
• I hope to write enough to be published.
• And I would love to see Alaska.

So... I have leukemia and I am scared but I will not let it conquer me.  I need to be brave for myself and for Linda. 

I will be - because I have her love.

I added this later (7/27) because I was too self-focused, I didn't understand the toll this takes on the care giver, in this case Linda.  Who expresses concern but displays courage.  Who quietly watches me to see what I need and how I am.  We all often focus on the person who is ill but seldom recognize the impact upon others - especially the person closest to the ill individual.  We must always recognize them for without them - without her - I would be in a very different and less pleasant place.  Thank You Linda.