Friends and Acquaintances in Life and in Death

 In yesterday's blog "I'm Back" I mentioned areas I would cover.  Today's title gives it away that this is about Friends and Acquaintances. 

First a confession - I have no friends except my wife Linda.  That is by choice.  It may not have been a wise one over the years, in fact as I get older, I am sure it wasn't, but it was a protective measure from when I was younger.  For anyone who wants to read about my life from childhood to my marriage (I have written it up as a cathartic review). Summarized in a couple sentences:

1] Mom & dad didn't want me.

2] I protected myself from further disenfranchisement by keeping everyone at a distance.

Oh, there have been a few people who I let into my life.  My cousin Kathy who passed away a few years ago.  Other than Linda (my wife) she knew me better than anyone.  Her passing has left a hole in me.  I had wished to grow older with her.  Of course, my wife Linda, who has found out ALL about me, but it took decades to get there and on her part with much grief from me.  I love her so very much.  But beyond that I have people with whom I am friendly and perhaps even admired, but they know the me I crafted for them to know.  It is made of up relevant bits and pieces of me necessary to communicate and interact with them but never never never enough information to open myself to any chance of vulnerability. It was a protection I developed years ago that allowed me to exist within the world but have a buffer from it.  It was the construct of a child that has carried on till this day.  In fact, I don't know if I can - at this point in my life - make genuine friends.  Do I have the skill set?  Do I have the courage? Do I feel the need?

I reflect on this now because I am officially "Old".  At this time in America 70 is not the new 50 or 60 it is just old, and it gives me pause as I look ahead at my life.  How long will I live?  Another 2 years? 5? 20?

And when I die who will attend my funeral?  Certainly, no friends but will the acquaintances? 

I remember when my grandfather passed the huge number of people who truly knew him and loved him.  The same when his son (my Uncle Joe) passed, the funeral procession was long like that of a king, filled with people who genuinely mourned his passing.  People to whom he was close and felt a void at his sudden loss by heart attack.

I feel that I will have a handful at my funeral comprised of my wife (God willing she outlives me), my children (and even here I think they will come only because of a sense of obligation} -  same with some of my grandchildren.  Perhaps a couple siblings - this is a perhaps for we have not been close and that fault again lies with me.  We share a mother, but we share little history so while we are of blood we are not of family.

Admittedly - I have not been the easiest person to know.  Even my children have said so over time.  I have been stoical because of old wounds even with my children.  The first two have memories of me that even I cannot fathom from whence they come and the last two work hard to understand me.  The thing is I love them all and would do anything in my power for them. And this next line in print could get me in trouble but hey it is my blog.  While I love all 4 - I only like 3 of them.  I would be proud to call 3 of them friends but the other - is too much like my mother - and even perhaps too much like me.  I used to think that I was the way I am due to coming from a divorced abusive mother and father, dropped off to live with my grandparents who died too soon. Form moving too often with stepfathers I didn't like etc etc etc - you know the same schtick that is in the tragedy novels.  But my children had a good home and for sure SO much love from their mother.  So, I wonder if the flaw isn;t just from trauma but genetic in some way.

I digress and am becoming maudlin.  The point of this is I look ahead, and I see a lonely future and am surprisingly OK with that.  I see it as my construct, an end of my own making. Oh please don't get wrong I am not lamenting.  I like people but am still uncomfortable with intimacy (except for Linda).  Should she (God forbid) pass before I do, I would be OK having acquaintances.  I am a lone wolf who likes the pack but doesn't want to be part of the pack.  I am indeed a Lone Wolf too aloof and too used to being alone in my thoughts.

So yes - I will probably have a small funeral and few will long remember my name or miss me.  An interesting perspective from a person who when younger wanted to live forever. - but even then, it wasn't for friends but out of curiosity on how the world would change.

For a brief moment that scared me.  Not anymore. I see it now as the natural path my life had to go with its rough start, crushed opportunities as a child.  I am - in many ways surprised my life turned out as well as it has. I have a wonderful wife & friend (no one has ever had better), I have 4 lovely children and 8 grandchildren.  I have travelled more than some (but less than I desired) and have been in overall good health.  I have and have had a great life despite the terrible start.  I do think part of that is due to my intellect, but more to my learning, as a child, to survive by blending into my surroundings.  As Dr. Bob once pointed out: "You are a chameleon who reads the room and its people and can move through it blending and shading so as to fit in but never be so noticed to be threatened."
In his report on me in the 80's "You gladly play the role of 2nd in command manipulating everyone to slowly achieve whatever goal you want.  You are an odd combination - a scrupulous Machiavelli."

So, I will likely die and be forgotten with some dispatch.  That bothered me until I wrote this and now see it is the logical outcome of my life.  I am pleased though that 3 of my 4 children have developed skills from their mother to be true friends and have true friends.  I envy them.