No Paradigms

 Perspective and Journal

Personal Insecurity

I am retired going on 17 months.  I've loved every minute of it and see no signs of that waning.  I have much to keep me busy and I get to select the order of what I desire to do and the pace at which to do it.  But I do find myself in some new territory.  The lack of purpose, and in a strange way a feeling of insecurity.  Please let me explain.  While I have much to occupy my time, I still feel unfocused.  When I worked, I had long range plans.  Some were of my own making some directed by work. Completion of those tasks/objectives were accomplishments... but doing random tasks at home and trips to places - while fascinating and fun, do not provide that feeling of accomplishment.  So - for me then I feel insecure.  What is my purpose now?  To just have fun.  I mean it sounds great but even my fun when I worked had some purpose.  It provided a respite from the routine and was more exciting and more shared with friends and colleagues.  Now, we go places and its fun but so?  Where was the challenge to find the time?  Who did I travel with (as many of my friends are younger and still work)?  So I feel like I am going through the actions and truly having a good time but it seems.... less than before.  The only saving grace is traveling with Linda.  Seeing the world though my eyes but then also hers... I get to see a greater range of what life has to offer.  And we sometimes travel with the children and their spouses but again... its all too easy

I took up oil painting, but I know I am not that good.  I enjoy it but have NO plans to try and sell my art that I wouldn't buy.  Its not bad it just not unique.  I am trying to write short stories but that is harder than I envisioned.  I think they are coming along well. Soon I will be sending some out to friends and asking for fair and  honest assessments. That will let me know if I even have a chance to publish.

So here i am after a year and a half still searching for something to do that truly provides ME MEANING.  That I can look back upon with satisfaction - beside one very well-maintained house and yard.  I have even entertained the thought of a podcast but a podcast on???  I mean it's like writing short stories or painting.  If no one wants to see or read or hear what you create, then where is the joy in that.  At least for me.

I have some thinking to do.... I think it took retirement to finally get me to a mid-life crisis!

SO Y'all please wish me luck.  I am going to really start looking at options and I approach 2 years of retirement this year, turn 70 and 50 years of marriage.

Tony