No Paradigms

 Perspective

When does it change? What to do because it did?

During the pandemic I started talking with a high school friend whom I had not interacted with actively in years. Distance, time, married life children etc. caused us to just not interact and talk often.  Then, I retired, and (for me) neither distance nor time was a barrier.  He continues to work.  As we talked, I was increasingly amazed by how our perspectives, economic, political and social had become so different.  We met a few times and talked via various media and with each discussion I became more perplexed.  His views were in many ways opposite mine and to a side (I won't say which) that I could not fathom.

Now I am well aware that none of us like to explore if our beliefs are wrong.  If you are exploring them, then you already have doubts.  I mean, they are our beliefs, things we just feel / know are right and that is why we have them.  And I am aware that when confronted we all go into defense mode, so as he and I talked I was not surprised at the friction developing between us. At least I thought so, or was I being overly sensitive.  I feel that our recent conversations are always - as the saying goes - like walking on eggshells.  Even when I text, I feel like at some point I cross a line.  He told me once, during a phone call, that in one of my writings to him, I called people who felt as he does, idiots.  I don't recall that and honestly have never felt that is my style.  But if I assume I did, that he is correct, then was my passion so strong I became insulting? I love to discuss topics in politics, social issues etc. but not if those discussions upset, or even worse, insult the other person or people.  I don't want to upset anyone.  I just like the exchange of ideas; I feel that is how we grow. 

I also still struggle with how we became so far apart and is there any way to achieve a middle ground for respectful, civil discussion?  We were great friends in high school, same friends, reading the same books, in the same activities/clubs.  We shared experiences that, for me, to this day were formative, life altering.  So, when did we become different?  How, and in such significant even fundamental ways?  What in life altered him or altered me?  Am I the one that has drifted from where I thought we were when younger or is it him?  Or did we both change as people will over time and now are irreconcilably apart?  I wonder if we should (can?) remain friends, but that too seems harsh and judgmental on my part.  But because our views differ on such fundamental matters is it worth it to communicate and interact if all that communication is superficial?

This is a true dilemma for me. My wife has taught me that "Honesty without compassion is cruelty.".  We should be honest but not brutally so, to not hurt and slam our perspective into another.  I want to have this discussion but worry I will come across as judgmental, critical, non-empathetic.  I want to have discussions with him - I believed he was one of the smartest people I know.  By stating all this too him am I implying he is not... ugh!  But again, if our only discussions will be superficial is that fair to him either?  Aren't I just dismissing him?  Damn!

Writing this has been helpful.  I think I need to take a step back for a bit.  Not talk or text for a while and see where the communication goes. I know I text him much more often and perhaps he feels the same way but similarly doesn't want to hurt me.  So I won't communicate for a bit and see where this goes.  either we will find a way to have civil discourse or just agree to disagree remaining superficial or reconcile myself that the friendship I once had is only a part of our mutual history.